I took a temporary job and somehow I thought it would save us. I worked 28 days straight some of them were 12 hour days. My feet hurt so bad by the end. My kids were in bed when I left and in bed when I got home at night. My husband said that they were crying for me.
"It's okay" I said.
"It's only temporary, it will be worth it in the end."
Well yesterday was the end. I woke up early and called in and they didn't have any more work for me. I immediately went to my desk to pay bills and found to my horror that we still don't have enough money to pull out of the tail spin. It was a crushing blow all over again. I see some people that are doing fine in this economy but we are not one of them. It has been so hard to find work. The jobs we have been doing for years are slowing down so we are both under tremendous pressure all of the time. Lots of my peers are in the same boat. Regardless of where the status of your wallet is, me and my family are in a depression.
We cut our Netflix, that's no big deal. We stopped tithing, which is something we really enjoyed. We stopped going to the dump, that put us in instant white trash status, a pile of trash in the back yard. We stopped buying new shoes and clothes, my old tennis shoes completely abused and uncomfortably warn. My kids school shopping meagerly done at Goodwill and garage sales. We didn't fill up our propane tank to keep the house warm, we wear sweaters and socks all the time. I go to the grocery store less frequently, we use random things that have collected in the cupboards over the years, pistachio jello anyone? The dog gets a scoop less, ouch, that one is so embarrassing for me! We both work for less and try to act casual when approached for jobs to cover up the desperate clawing person inside. We stopped giving birthday gifts, Christmas is going to be so rough....
The rest of the time we are pretty nervous. We have just recently, well, yesterday, decided to stop paying on our debt. We need to grantee
1. there is food
2. a place to live
3. utilities
We have had perfect credit our whole marriage and now it is gone. We have had work and been very responsible and conservative but in the last 2 years we made 2 investments that turned out to be bad ones. Had to live off of credit cards and now these investments are pulling us backward down into a dark dark hole.
Yesterday when he came home hours early from his job, we looked at the bill situation and ended up yelling at each other. I cried for an hour.
Today is different. Today we are going to watch "Little House on the Prairie" after we enjoy a homemade dinner of lentils and ham hawk that I will simmer all day in a crock pot. Today is the first time I will not answer any calls from numbers I don't recognize. Tonight I will have sex with my man. I will sanitize the bathroom. I will list more movies and books online to sell. I will call my sister whose birthday was a few weeks ago and finally admit that I don't have a gift to send her. Today I will do as much as I comfortably can and then I will have some tea and read. All I have now is my family. I am going into wilderness mode. I will cherish the small things and let go of the big ones. God will be with me today.
